Placed by the Gideons

Another improvised tweet sequence. I’m afraid I can offer no explanation.

‘You come here often.’

‘Oh, please.’

‘No, it was a statement. You come here often. You do. I’ve seen you.’

‘Check, please.’

‘I’m sorry. That sounded–‘

‘Fucking creepy.’

‘You’re right, I–‘

‘And probably actionable.’

‘I misspoke. Let me refresh the brand.’

‘*Refresh the brand*?’ Who says that?’

‘Claymore Schmerz. I’m with the Gideons.’

‘Gideons. Wait–did you guys tour with Whitesnake once?’

‘Whitesnake! Ha! Sorry, too loud. I have this modulation thing. I do breathing exercises. But, seriously–no. I love Whitesnake, but no.’

‘All right. So, Claymore–that’s a double Turkey and Tab, by the way–it’s great your breathing exercises are working out, but–‘

‘Why am I talking to you? *Great* question. Sorry, indoors voice. There we go. Big ol’ Turkey and Tab. Might want to sip on that bad boy.

‘Down in one, huh? Thirsty from the complimentary bar snacks, I guess. Anyhoo. What I was getting around to was, you do come here often.

‘Okay, that still came out a little creepy. Let me clarify. This Marriott? 777 Aten? My eighteenth stay.’

‘Get the fuck out, I guess.’

‘I know! Eighteenth stay. My eighteenth stay in this particular Marriott.’

‘Which is how you knew…’

‘Right! So, not a stalker.’

‘Yeah, well. You could be a stalker and go to the Marriott a lot. Doesn’t sound like a stretch. You getting another drink or–?’

‘Good point! Good point. I have seen stalkers here. Well, gentlemen who seemed…singleminded. Judge not, right?’

‘Who’s Judge Knott?’

‘Ha! Who’s Judge–there we go. Little Turkey top-up there. What the hey, right? It’s Tuesday. But to get back to my whole alibi dealie–‘

‘Sounds like a terrorist or some shit.’

‘What? ‘Alibi dealie’? Ha! That’s super. But my alibi dealie. That whole Gideons thing–‘

‘Right. The rock star thing. You getting a drink or–?’

‘You know, I might just–I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.’


‘Gosh, that’s a pretty–Zephyrine, huh? Zephyrine. No, but I was gonna say, I might just sit out a couple of plays, drinks-wise.’

‘Yeah, you take a rest. All those Coke Zeroes.’

‘Right! I can handle it, though! Oh, man. But the Gideons thing. I have a confession.’

‘You killed a drum roadie in Des Moines.’

‘How’d you hear about that? Kidding! I’m *kidding*! Oh, boy! But no, it’s worse than that.’

‘You killed a drum roadie in Milwaukee?’

‘Oh, Zephyrine. That’s funny. You have a gift. You do. No, but the Gideons. We place bibles.’

‘What, you place them like a feng shui thing?’

‘Ha! It’s funny you should say that. Marvin Fulsome up in Maine tried that for a while.’

‘Oh yeah? How’d that work out?’

‘The feng shui? History doesn’t relate. Marvin ran into a little, uh, trouble. There was a cheerleader.’

‘Isn’t there always. He probably placed her wrong.’

‘Ha! But the matter is sub judice, so–‘

‘Never place a cheerleader facing east.’

‘Yeah, so Marvin and the cheerleader were kind of a sidebar, Zephyrine.’

‘You place a cheerleader facing east, all the good luck runs out.’

‘Zephyrine! I’m sorry, that was loud. Big breath in. And let go.’

‘Listen. I gotta go.’

‘No, wait! Turkey and tab? Bartender! Don’t go. Leave the bottle, Armand. Put it on my tab. See what I–‘

‘Yeah, I saw it. About a mile back. You were gonna say something.’

‘Right! I was. I was going to say something. I was going to share something with you, Zephyrine. A change that’s come over me recently.’

‘Oh, Jesus fuck.’

‘Now, Zephyrine. You can set that dial back a little, right? But I take your point. It’s boring, I get that.’

‘So you gonna shut the fuck up?’

‘I am. I am going to shut the–yes I am, Zephyrine. But first, I need to set the record straight.’

‘Can you do that while I’m in the ladies’ room? I got this dude getting off his shift at Target.’

‘I need to set the record straight about my life.’

‘Oh, Jesus Lord.’

‘Zephyrine, I have seen many things. In my life. So many things.’

‘So, close your eyes.’

‘I don’t live anywhere.’

‘I got an eight-year-old son needs to get to school.’

‘One minute. Please. I don’t live anywhere. Not even an apartment.’

‘You said that nice and quiet. The breathing shit is working.’

‘I don’t live anywhere. I spent my life nowhere. Spreading the word.

‘You think the good Lord wants me eating apple Danishes at Comfort Inns for the rest of my life?’

‘Well, you guys got hell, right?’

‘Yes! Too loud. Yes, we have hell. Every morning, I watch all these regional sales managers *actually read* USA Today.’

‘That’s hell?’

‘I left a Danielle Steel book in your room.’

‘The fuck you say?’

‘And a little can of Pringles.’

‘We’re done here.’

‘Zephyrine, please. I’m just being the change. I left some of that sparkly lube, too. You know that sparkly lube?’

‘You fucking what now?’

‘The sparkly lube? You know? Sparkly!’

‘What you doing with your fingers? What are you, David Copperfield? You even know what lube is?’

‘Placed by the Gideons, Zephyrine!’

‘I have a rape alarm, asshole. And a Glock, you ever come near me again.’

‘It’s one of the good Danielle Steels! I think Sandra Bullock came on board for the movie. A humble gypsy becomes Duchess of Margate.

‘Zephyrine! Please! Too loud. Dammit. Too loud.

‘Breath in, Mississippi. Breathe out, Mississippi. All right now, Claymore. You got this.

‘Well, that went well.’


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