Driving While Asparagus

I tweeted this about random asparagus testing. I have no idea why.

I got pulled over by the police on the way home. One of those random asparagus tests they do now.

‘Good evening, sir.’

‘Good evening, Sergeant–‘


‘Sergeant Moreso?’


‘Like a sergeant, only–‘

‘Moreso. Yes, sir.’

‘You get that a lot?’

‘That and Kleen-Eze catalogues, sir.’

‘I’m sorry?’

‘Had any vegetables at all tonight, sir?’



‘Vegetables? What are you–‘

‘Out for a few florets of broccoli after work, were we? Maybe a little Julienne of something on the side?’

‘Julienne? Oh, you mean like a cinq-à-sept? What are you writing?’

‘Five to seven vegetables’. I need you to step out of the car, sir.’

‘What? Why? What did I–?’

‘Step out of the car please, sir.’

‘But, Sergeant Moreso. This is absurd. I was talking about French sex.’

‘Subject has consumed five to seven portions of vegetables and is propositioning the arresting officer.’

‘What? Who are you talking to?’

‘Sir, I’m going to ask you to perform some simple motor skills tests.’

‘But you asked me to get out of the car.’

‘Five star jumps.’


‘Five star jumps.’

‘I don’t know what you *want*, Sergeant Moreso. “Five star jumps”? It’s just nouns. What’s modifying what?’

‘Sir, your uncooperative attitude will not help your case.’

‘What? Just tell me what ‘five star jumps’ means. Really exclusive jumps?’

‘Sir, I really must warn you–‘

‘For Christ’s sake, Moreso! I can’t parse your gruff commands. Would it kill you to use a verb?’

‘Star jumps.’

‘Does they?’


‘Does–do stars jump? I don’t know what you’re saying to me. And I’m scared.’


‘MORESO, NOOO–oh. I see.’

‘That was a star jump.’

‘I thought you’d stepped on a mine. Or busted a Village People move.’

‘Star jump.’

‘Yes. Well, thank God you’re safe, Moreso.’

‘Five star jumps, sir.’

‘Really? But I’m not very–oh, all right, then.’

‘There. Happy now?’

‘Get to the gym much, do we, sir?’

‘Not excessively, no.’

‘Any family history of Huntington’s disease?’

‘Excuse me?’

‘Your star jumps, sir.’

‘What about them?’

‘You looked like a hunger striker catching a bouquet.’

‘Jesus. That’s a bit strong, Moreso.’

‘Give me five more.’

‘Look, do you even have statutory powers to–‘


‘There…let me just…catch my…what are you *laughing* at?’

‘It’s like one of the Golden Girls trying to catch a ski lift.’

‘Look, I’m not in great shape. I get it. We still have rule of law, last time I checked.’

‘Like Planet of the Brittle-Boned Apes.’

‘Right, that’s it, I’m calling my–‘

‘Urine test.’

‘What? Why?’

‘Urine test.’

‘Oh, *come on*. On what grounds.’

‘Asparagus use.’

‘Asparagus isn’t illegal!’

‘I have probable cause.’

‘For what? Brunch? I’ve done nothing wrong!’

‘I videoed your star jumps.’

‘You videoed my–oh, God. You’re not a real cop, are you?’

‘Check it. 738 views already. You a little star, Dorothy.’

‘Oh, God.’

‘My friend Arkadiusz, he says can you do yoga stuff?’

‘No, I can’t do–look, I’ve got a taser, you know. It charges off the lighter.’

‘Can you do it again in Daisy Dukes? From xxxNiceLadyReichxxx.’

‘Taser charging. Lawyer notified. Real police too.’

‘Ha! Top video!’

‘And Lukasz says, Open big mayonnaise jars. With bum to camera. Here, you can use this flask.’

‘I’m getting in the car.’

‘Lot of pantsuit moves coming in. You have an apricot pantsuit?’

‘I have a slowly charging taser.’

‘Let me know how that works out.’

‘Why, Sergeant Moreso–if that is your real name? I just need to know why.’

*Traces pattern on ground with shoe*

*Slumps against side of Mondeo, sobbing*

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