Celebrity Cluedo

In the bathroom at Harvey Nick’s, with a little surprise in her mimosa. #celebritycluedo

In the white garden, with the Jasper Conran pizza stone. #celebritycluedo

In the Maserati, with this totally untraceable shit the FSB uses. #celebritycluedo

In the Priory, with the enema hose. #celebritycluedo

In the lap pool, with the marlin harpoon. #celebritycluedo

In the Piedmont vineyard, with the black market taser. #celebritycluedo

In the Pilates studio, with the pedometer. #celebritycluedo

In a poorly-maintained Georgian farmhouse in West Cork, with leftover aviation fuel and a deified straw-bale colossus. #celebritycluedo

In the en suite of a Novotel outside Strasbourg, with a shiv improvised from plastic Burger King cutlery. #celebritycluedo

In the VIP lounge at Terminal 4 in JFK, with these weird tongs from the sushi bar. #celebritycluedo

In the Cracker Barrel in Columbia, Missouri, with a side of fries that could sustain an Antarctic expedition for a month. #celebritycluedo

In the Bulgari on Rodeo, with the canine defibrillator. #celebritycluedo

In the editing suite, with “some scenes we might need to tighten up”. #celebritycluedo

In your dreams, with a molten, screaming amalgam of that friend from craft camp and Ally Sheedy. #CelebrityCluedo

In a convoy just east of Tripoli, with Bernard-Henri Levy’s satellite phone and his fucking stylist’s iPad. #CelebrityCluedo

In Sofia Coppola’s suite at Cannes, with a child-skin bag of Haribo by Damien Hirst. #CelebrityCluedo

In the pit lane at the Nürburgring, with three shivering swimwear models and a TV crew from the Phillipines. #CelebrityCluedo

In a first class pod on an Emirates A380, with Queen Rania’s riding crop. #CelebrityCluedo

In that asshole editor’s office, with an “involving detail”. #CelebrityCluedo

RT @LauraSlattery: In Portland, with the frisbee attack of limited-edition vinyl. #celebritycluedo

In a Kinko’s in Santa Monica, with a fucked-up, twenty-pound Tori Spelling screenplay no-one on Earth needs a copy of. #CelebrityCluedo

In Venice, with cholera and skeezy longing. #CelebrityCluedo

In a dusty annex at the Louvre, with some preposterous McGuffin to do with the Rosicrucians. #CelebrityCluedo

In the Chelsea training grounds, with little gift from President himself. It’s okay, you just sleep now. No pain. #CelebrityCluedo

*Applause* RT @TrishByrne: In the Blue Peter studio, with one I made earlier. #CelebrityCluedo

RT @LauraSlattery: On Necker Island, with a sabotaged Satnav. #celebritycluedo

In Marine One or possibly Camp David, with [redacted]. #celebritycluedo

In Joan River’s penthouse on Fifth, with this heavy-ass Louis XV something-eau. #celebritycluedo

RT @TrishByrne: In the Loft Bar with a single heave and a well-timed one-liner about plummeting popularity. #CelebrityCluedo

RT @LauraSlattery: At Cedars Sinai, with a terrible sense of timing as far as newspaper deadlines are concerned. #celebritycluedo

In the media suite at Davos, with Paul Krugman’s complimentary Mont Blanc gift set. #celebritycluedo

RT @LauraSlattery: In Oxfordshire, with a contaminated IV drip. #celebritycluedo

RT @lindasgrant: In Richmond, with Jagger’s Viagra #celebritycluedo

In the Condé Nast guest house in East Hampton, with David Remnick’s actual Kindle, I’m not kidding. #celebritycluedo

In my rooms at St Andrew’s, but it was, like, this total accident? #celebritycluedo

RT @seventydys: In the Baron’s box at the Opera with the Bulgari garrotte. #celebritycluedo

RT @conorjh: #celebritycluedo Tampa, with an empty chair.

In the Gulfstream, with a pouch of Keith Richard’s treatment by-products. #celebritycluedo

RT @thisgreyspirit: Backstage at Bregenz, with a Lanvin pashmina #celebritycluedo

RT @whitesubway: @paraicodonnell In the First Class cabin, with the Captain’s log. #celebritycluedo

RT @fatboyfat: @paraicodonnell In Tiger Tiger, with the heel from a Laboutin. #celebritycluedo

RT @seventydys: In the Klosters Platz with a ’93 Cristal #celebritycluedo

In the pool house, with that fucked up little Scientology lie detector he wouldn’t shut up about. #celebritycluedo

In the Groucho Club, with the onyx desk tidy that was supposed to make me feel better after he shitcanned the series. #celebritycluedo

RT @miche: #celebritycluedo On Clapham Common, with the BAFTA.

In the walk-in humidor, with this actual genuine moon rock, seriously. #celebritycluedo

In his Bentley, with that bitch Courtney’s own hair straightener. #celebritycluedo

RT @john_self: In Nigella’s replica pantry, with the Starck lemon juicer. #celebritycluedo

RT @john_self: In the green room, with Dec. #celebritycluedo